Panera Problemz

Why not just serve the soup in a Curby Can?

You finally figure out what you want to eat. You give your name to the kid at the register. A few minutes later someone who can’t see over the apparently six-foot tall counter is shouting “Chipotle Chicken Avocado Melt side of bread!” That can’t be mine, I gave my name to the guy? But that is my order so I’m just going to take it. Excuse me Topher, please stop the heavy breathing on my bread. My clear cup is starting to sweat and I just want to grab my sandwich and bread and sit and eat.

Wow, the sandwich wasn’t half bad. Must be all-natural ingredients. Those Yelp-ers don’t know what they are talking about. Let me dump my tray in the garbage now before I get moving.

I don’t have another hour to kill. I just want to throw out my garbage but nothing can be simple in this place, I feel like I’m in a recycling center. These buckets are vile. Old lady licked forks and booger laden plates are strewn everywhere. I’d like to dump my garbage, but the hole is large enough for…well…just about a side of bread. If you want to recycle so bad, why not just serve the soup in a Curby Can?

I recycle at home, it’s quite simple. I throw out my garbage. I put glass and plastic in a can. I put cardboard in a bin. That’s it. It takes about 3 minutes a week. Not at Panera though. Every aspect of that place is designed to piss you off.

Which bin gets the bowls? They don’t fit. Let’s play Topple. Just don’t touch the used silverware or licked plates, especially the ones with half sucked bread bowl remnants glued to them with broccoli cheddar drippings.

trash bin 1 — I definitely saw that old lady slurping out of that soup bowl

panera — I hope I don’t need to recycle anything larger than a 3″ diameter. Also, where do the clear cups go? Are they “trash” or “recycle?”

What is the $15 bill paying for? Certainly not people who maybe could do this in a sanitary environment. I don’t even know what to say anymore. The garbage can is about as confusing as the menu and the lines and ain’t nobody got time for that.

sweet brown

Am I ordering bread or am I on the floor of the NY Stock Exchange?

You enter Panera. You are excited for the sandwich with a side of bread that you are about to devour…then all hell breaks loose.

Am I on the right line? Am I on the bakery line? Am I making myself a coffee? Where do I order? Why is the font so small on the menu? Why are people shouting? This is crazy!

Nothing encourages binge carb eating like stress and anxiety. Coincidence that ordering at Panera causes both???

Panera knew this was a problem three years ago…but its still a problem today! http://www.businessinsider.com/panera-bread-ceos-strategy-2014-4

What the hell is up with this menu? I want the “you pick 2.” What does that encompass? The font is illegible unless you are 3 feet away, but the sea of people trying to figure out what line they are on along with trying to figure out if they are getting a half a soup with a whole sandwich or a half sandwich with a whole soup are standing in your way. Maybe I’ll make a coffee since I think I am on that line anyway!

Why are there so many numbers with each item? Why does every sandwich have turkey or asiago or aioli on it? What is up with the dots legend? Its no wonder Panera’s workers are always pissed off (https://twitter.com/paneraprobzz) but how the hell could we know what to order when this is what we are facing???

I eat at McDonalds, over 100 items no problem. I eat a Subway…1000’s of combinations, easy to order. I eat at Panera, 11 sandwiches, 3 soups, about 5 salads and have no idea what to get. I liken ordering at Panera to trying to trade stocks on the floor of the NY Stock Exchange:

“I’ll have the You Pick Two with turkey, extra asiago, no aioli, and hmmmmm I guess a side of bread. Wait I get soup too? I want a whole sandwich. Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize this was the bakery line. Oh it’s not, wait is it my turn to order? Am I getting a half or a whole sandwich? Do I pick up the food here? Oh you mean I pick it up over there where the big dude waiting for his bread is breathing all over the counter? Awesome, where are the drinks? Oh about 250 feet away, great, let me trek through the recycling center and dining room to try to decide if I want soda or hibiscus tea with fruit fly covered lemons in a condensing clear cup.”

Just writing this has my temperature rising. I could go for some Asiago in a bread bowl right about now.

Bread with a side of bread?

Not really sure how to start this blog, but I can assure you it is going to be interesting. I have a very unique take on Panera and several aspects of it. Today I am going to focus on bread with a side of bread.

I have eaten sandwiches in deli’s, hero shops, homes, restaurants, food trucks, and in countless other places. Never, have I ever, eaten an extra piece of plain, dry bread on the side of my sandwich. That being said, why would it be considered normal to have a side of bread with my sandwich…already on bread. Very confusing. I must say though that the name Panera BREAD sort of makes me feel guilty, like I have to eat bread there. I get a similar feeling when ordering anything non-wings at Buffalo Wild Wings or anything non-dairy at Dairy Queen. Despite the company name, I do think that the gluten-free nightmare of bread with a side of bread is inappropriate but given the delicious options of more bread, a dented apple, or some bizarre hippie chips, more bread is the only logical choice.

Soup in a bread bowl…with a side of bread. I just don’t get it. Your bowl is made of bread. You will eat the soup, then you will eat the bread. You know what I was really dying for after eating an entire hollowed out loaf of bread? Yup you guessed it, more bread!

Dr. Atkins would roll over in his grave if he knew the bread factory was offering bread with a side of bread.

Check out my next blog which will describe ordering at Panera and the utter chaos that ensues.